The Secret to Power and Confidence with Women. You can now read our detailed guide to women and dating for free - Right Here! Forums New posts Search forums. What's new New posts New profile posts Latest activity. Members Registered members Current visitors New profile posts Search profile posts.
They wanted to know that the relationship was real before risking it all. After having some time to think after making this post, I read through some comments again and thought to reply to yours. I respect your opinion, but I don't think it's selfish of me to be upset at a friend for not being honest with me about dating my ex behind my back, especially considering it was a recent ex.
If I had started to have feelings for one of her recent exes, no matter who broke up with who, I would have had a serious talk with her about him before dating the guy.
It's the considerate, respectable thing to do. After that, if I'm being honest, I would date the guy, see where it goes. She likely would support me. Because I would have wanted to be happy.
So, had she been honest from the beginning, I would have felt awkward, but I would have still been friends with her. It's not necessarily the fact that she's dating my ex alone that upsets me, although that is a bit messed up.
I left a few details out in my post. The day she told me she was dating him was on her birthday, which was odd. As though that would make me not be mad at her or something. Her first question was: "Would you be mad if I started dating insert ex's name here? I said: '"Whoa, where did that come from lol". I wasn't even upset because from the way she asked her question I assumed they were just talking and weren't dating yet.
But then she said they had already been dating for at least a month. It's a bit pointless to have this conversation with me when you're already dating. It showed how little she thought to talk with me and how many opportunities she missed to do so until that point.
And so I told myself, how she acts in this conversation will determine whether or not I will continue this friendship. So I told her that it was inconsiderate of her to not only date him but to do so behind my back for a while. And to that she said: "I don't know what else to say. I just thought I would tell you before you saw it on Facebook or something.
The fact that she said it so callously.
Theme simply my best friend is dating my ex behind my back not
It was just too much. Selfish, immature, unapologetic, dismissive, and disrespectful. It was how little she acted like she cared towards my feelings that hurt. She had always been on the selfish side but that took it too far. Had I started dating someone she once loved behind her back, I would feel guilty, because I wasn't honest with her about it.
And I wouldn't dismiss her emotional pain if she tried to talk to me about it. If she was truly this good friend that you speak of, don't you think she would talk to me like a mature, respectable friend would have done? Believe me, I wish the reason she didn't tell me was because she wanted to avoid hurting me.
But from her responses, it appears that wasn't it. It was because she always avoids the serious conversations, especially ones involving her flaws. You don't know her like I did. Enough time to know her.
Remarkable my best friend is dating my ex behind my back variant Actually. Prompt
I always wanted her to be happy, but if she has to go behind my back to do it, how can I support that? The echo chamber can be a bit much sometimes. Neither of them owe you anything. That said, this is a tough one. Was it the most considerate or sensitive thing for your friend to do? I also think we need more details about your relationship with both of them.
Did you end the relationship or did your ex? Are you still upset by the breakup, and if so, does she know this? How serious were things with you and your ex?
It did hurt at the time, but now we both look back and laugh at what an axe wound he was. Hopefully things will play out similarly for you!
I mean, you just pointed out the most glaringly problematic part of the "don't date exes" rule: it softens over time. I agree that it'd be seriously messed up for your best friend date an ex a day after you broke up. That would make me assume cheating, at least emotional cheating. It'd hurt, but to me I'd feel thing got resolved a while ago.
Turning this idea of don't date exes on its head, are people u dated a decade ago still off limits? I feel like this rule should have an expiration, and that expiration should be a lot sooner than most people imagine. People keep saying 6 months later and ignoring the part where the friend got with the ex a "good while ago. We don't know. OP doesn't even know because her friend hid this from her and I think that's a really important detail to leave out.
My former friend and I went to a wedding together and she said she "ran into" my ex at his workplace. That was two months ago.
That may have been where it started but I'm not totally sure. I agree the "girl code" rule here should expire after a few years, because I don't give a crap about my exes from that long ago, but this was my most recent ex. I actually wasn't referring to op here, just the rule in general. If they got together shortly after the two broke up, it would be weird This sounds a bit harsh but I agree a little.
They're you're ex its in the past now. You don't own them. If your friend has found a connection with someone then it can't be helped. Just move on with your life and find your own happiness. There is no way most people replying to this thread is anything resembling over 22 years old themselves. It's actually one of the most solid pieces of advice in this thread.
Most the the top comments are embarrassingly immature. They way it could possibly be considered "betrayal" is if bff and bf started seeing each other getting romantically involved together while OP was still dating bf. That's an uppercut in more ways than one. A betrayal of trust is the point at the top of the pyramid, but there are still so many ways that this reflects not only who they are as people, but how you are a person.
It's natural to ask questions, but if you don't know the clear answer here, it's imperative that you rethink your viewpoint on yourself. Your best friend dating your ex behind your back is a betrayal of not only trust and respect, but also an utter disregard for their previously healthy perception of you.
Pick yourself up from your bootstraps and realize that you do not deserve to be stepped on like this. Your friend is not your friend.
Do not think about ever talking to her again. Block them both on social media. Block her number. If you see them in public, pretend they're invisible.
Jun 04, 7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex. my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up . Oct 06, My ex and my friend hung out with mutual friends and then he started to like her. After I got back my ex's feelings changed and she decided she needed to be single. Because I thought she was a good person, I was civil, I didn't want her back cause she had issues, but I didn't hate her. If your friend still has feelings for their ex and had told you so, that's a red flag that dating this person is a bad idea. It can be tough to move on from a relationship when those feelings still exist, and it could cause tension if you make a move before your friend has moved on. You're not sure of your own feelings.
You've come too far in 20ish years to be torn down by these two losers. You're stronger than letting them crawl under your skin, and you're valued more by many more people that you haven't even met yet, in your young life. The best revenge is no revenge. Take what you learned, and apply it to your next relationships and friendships. Think back of all of the red flags, and don't let them wave in the wind without caution. Every decision is easier made a second time. Your heart is too strong of a fortress, and your mind is too strong of a sword to let two paupers dullify and weaken you.
Take your self-love, and put it in a bag. Pack it up, and enjoy the rest of your life. You only get one. Are you suggesting people are not allowed to fall in love because of past relationships? That is exactly what you are implying. No longer together. The only way this would not be ok, is if adult society suddely forced a rule that you can't do that.
Last time I checked, the worst thing you end up doing is making someone uncomfortable. What does this even mean? Does her ex and OP's friend not have a healthy opinon on OP for having feelings for each other? Have to agree with you. Although if the break up was nasty or your friend still had feeling a for said ex, as a friend, it's pretty low to go behind your friends back knowing there are still feelings.
I had officially survived my best friend dating my ex-and the best part is, we survived it together. *Names have been changed. Luckily, this friendship only strengthened over time, but that ' s not always the case. Click HERE to read about a BFF triangle that ended with besties parting ways. Recently, I (22/f) found out that one of my best friends (21/f) had been dating my ex (22/m) behind my back for a good while. She told me the truth only after they had already made things official between them. She didn't seem to feel that bad and even started to argue with me. I . Aug 07, No it is not wrong to be mad. If you do not do something wrong it doesn't matter how you feel. And feeling better about something does not automatically result doing things right either. Just don't react to feelings. Think what is right to do and.
They broke up six months ago. Nobody needs to explain why they're losers, because it's pretty clear. For your last question, they don't give a fuck about OP or how she feels. That's why they're losers You sound either really really young, like pre-teen aged, or have some kind of cognitive dysfunction which makes you lack social skills or empathy.
Can't even believe your comment got upvoted 10 times. She could still have feelings for the guy You don't know what people go through. Stop assuming everyone is mentally healthy and A-ok. You have no idea what OP goes through, or how this could affect her in the future. No, it's not. Care to elaborate? Would it be different if it was 8 months? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal to have to choose a friend over a potential life partner.
You assume a lot of things. First of all you seem to be going by the assumption that OP might be a fragile flower that needs protection from real life. My assumption is that she's an adult that can deal with the realities of a breakup. The wast majority of people are, in fact, able to cope when life goes against them ever so slightly.
My best friend is dating my ex behind my back
If you need to resort to insults to bring your arugment home, you don't have an argument to begin with. Factually OP's problem isn't a right or wrong matter, it's a matter of what OP can live with. She's free to not be friends with her if she so chooses.
What matters is the reason she doesn't want to be friends with her. People are social beings, and dealing in absolutes when advicing others is wrong. You don't know the first thing about OP's ex. He might be a saint for all we know, he might be a deadbeat. We don't know a thing about them.
I notice that you seem to be struggling with some things, and I'm sorry you are, but you are making a big mistake if you are applying your own perspective on a messy situation when you don't even have your own emotions figured out. Plus you are in her exact age range. I'm giving OP advice as someone who is actually older and have deal with what OP is going through before. If you stop making everything about yourself, it's easier to see where others are coming from. Awesome reasoning here bro.
When you've been raped, abused, told you have a chronic mental illness that will last for a lifetime, have been left by your parents, or a combination of all of those things which are just a few evil things in life, out of many tell me how grandy dandy life is. Everyone is high and mighty until they get punched in the face. Yep, just keep breeding, humanity.
My Best Friend Is Dating My Ex! Help?!
I actually have sympathy for serial killers. I should start worshipping them because God doesn't exist obviously. They make more sense. Keep on killing it, mass shooters. I didn't mean you don't have social skills. I just meant that your argument sounds kinda sociopathic.
I don't think we are going to get anywhere here, we are on completely different planets on this topic. Friendship is a two way street. And not surprisingly, friends also disappear during life. Very true for small towns. If you haven't dated someone a friend has before, you either don't date, don't have friends, or don't really live in a small town. She didn't say anything to you because she knew what she was doing was wrong. Yes, you don't own either of them but as your friend, she does owe you common courtesy and respect, which didn't happen here.
This situation can happen successfully but it's not when the person in your position just "gets over it" because you can't tell them what to do. You've gotta be okay with it and you're not.
That's fine. For my friend he cut those two out out of his life. Because all his friend would talk about was his ex and it was extremely uncomfortable for everyone involved. Neither of us miss those people in our lives. Exes are exes for a reason. How serious was the relationship?
Did you live together? Were you engaged? Do you have kids? They are their own people and will do what they want. All you can do is decide what your actions will be. Whether this is a deal breaker and you want to cut them out is entirely your call. He is the most recent ex. We dated for 10 months. We were close to living together but we did not. We broke up 6 months ago. The breakup was rough. But I was the one who ended it.
I still had a lot of feelings for him. Do you think that's why my best friend thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal if she dated him? She had always been on the selfish side though in the past, so idk. That could be her personal reasoning yes. Especially if you say she has a selfish personality. You are not dating him.
You have no claim on him. Who are you to decide who he or your friend can date? Get over it. Never once said I had a claim on him. It's a matter of being a decent friend. I hope you learn to respect others.
You've been best friends until now, but this is not something that a best friend would do. Maybe now you're just regular friends. I'm 31, and the best friend I had at your age is now just a regular friend, and I have a couple of besties now who I trust completely.
As you grow and learn, you'll find that you've got your girl friends, and your women. Girl friends may be silly bitches sometimes but you still love them, but you can call your women any hour of the day or night and they will be there for you because you are one of their priorities.
Unless this friend of yours changes her ways and proves, in time, that she's one of your women, it's ok for her to be just a friend. Or not. You don't owe her anything. Try to take comfort in the fact that you will spend the rest of your life meeting amazing women and men and forming all kinds of friendships with them.
Sorry your heart hurts. It will get better.
Speaking the my best friend is dating my ex behind my back are absolutely right
This is a no-no in my book. I understand the other posters saying that he is an ex so she has no right to dictate who he dates or not. But she DOES have the right to be angry at the best friend. This best friend is likely someone that she talked about him with. Talked about the butterflies when they started dating, talked about the sex, talked about how nervous she was to meet his friends or his family.
Talked about any fights they may have had with her. Talked to her about the breakup and let the best friend comfort or congratulate her depending on the breakup circumstances. This very same girl is now dating the guy her best friend was dating.
Right. good my best friend is dating my ex behind my back was and
She mad her choice. Thank you for your comment. I have talked to her about him on several occasions. And now she's dating him. She's your ex, so she's not the issue. This is between men. That being said, I would sit down with him and talk to him man to man about it. Go have a beer, and tell him what you think and that you can't continue being friends with him.
I would expect him to get defensive, argumentative or even confrontational. If he's really a punk, I'd expect him to decline your offer all together and avoid you. He knows the deal. This will show you what sort of man he really is. Some would advocate just walking away, but these days I'm all about dealing with people and getting it all out and over with. So take my info with a grain of salt and do what you think is best for you.
If you can't handle yourself calmly with this guy Don't go in hotheaded. Good luck. Joined Jan 9, Messages Reaction score 1. Friends shouldn't do that without letting you know first Sit him down and say "Look buddy i dont mind you dating my ex, but you should of let me know first, by the way i gave her aids" :yes:. Tripp Don Juan. First of all, sure the guy definitely should have let you know first, but if you were really over her and didn't want to be with her again, as you say, it shouldn't bother you THIS much.
Obviously you are not over her to the extent you say you are. If she has all those issues and you feel better off without those issues, by all means LET him deal with those issues with her. As was said, your friends most likely ALL already know the deal, even if they don't say anything. Either way, you should definitely sit down with HIM, and talk to him, get this out in the open, see what his reaction is.
If you still want to be friends with him, cool, work it out. If you really don't want her back, then let her go. THE reason your ex wanted to hide it with ur friend is because she still thinks your a puzzy and you gonna freak out and break down. SHOW them you've moved on and found better. It's fantastic! I guess I'm not gonna lie, I'm still not completely over my ex, but I was getting a lot better, I wasn't thinking about it as much, I was flirting with other girls, hitting the gym and ready to get back in the game.
After we broke up, I told her how I felt, then I cut her out of my life, no contact for the last month or so because I needed distance. She's the type of girl who wants to avoid confrontation and doesn't talk about her feelings, very emotionally detached sometimes, I had to force the break up on her, otherwise she would've just kept going along with it even though things weren't ok.
She doesn't like dealing with the consequences of her actions and is just immature. But now I see she's bad news, and why would I want to associate myself with someone like that. She's no good for me, I shouldn't want her back and I'm gonna do my best to let her go. My friend on the other hand, I seriously thought he had my back. We've had a lot of good times and memories, and it pisses me off that I couldn't see what a snake this guy really was.
How can I be friends with someone who has no problem screwing me over like this. We saw this happen to another one of our friends a year ago and saw how bad that turned out. He is not stupid and well aware of what's gonna happen between us, yet he did that anyway. If I sit down and talk with him, I'm not even sure what I would say, I don't know how I wouldn't blow up at him for being such a douchebag.
It's hard to deal with a break up as it is, but to be constantly reminded that my friend doesn't care is a tough pill to swallow. Seriously, it's not like I can test my friends loyalty, how do I know who my real friends are, and the ones who are friends out of convenience. Although it opens me eyes, it makes me realize a lot of people are just shady and it makes me cynical and I don't want to be that bitter, cynical guy who can't get over this years from now.
Would it be so bad to start dating again immediately, even if it might be a rebound? What about going to parties and dancing and hooking up with other girls. WC2 Master Don Juan. Confronting him or her is not the answer. This is will get you nowhere.
Jun 14, I remember people in my neighborhood would tell me they saw them out and I would seriously cringe, and then go home and cry. The people weren't trying to be cruel, by the way. Make sure not to react in front of others because it could get back to your ex and your friend (I mean, your ex friend).
Realize that "true" love doesn't come that easy and in most cases is just a sham especially if you're young. Women's emotions move like the wind and can be swayed very easily by another man. Harness this power to sway women's emotions, but just remember that if she starts messing with your emotions, that's where you draw the line. A real man thinks forward and proceeds without letting others get in his way. He's thoughtful to others, but never lets them sway his beliefs or feelings unless he is dead wrong.
What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point.
Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life.
It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista.
Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.
Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship - you just have to follow a few simple guidelines. Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush.
I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.
Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life.
Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him.
Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear.
However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party. Respect boundaries without making assumptions.