If you've dated recently, it probably went something like this: You swiped on a stranger's cute-if-pixelated face, asked them something original like, "How's your week? When you didn't get murdered, you went on more romantic dates and humped like bunnies, until suddenly your date's texting tone changed from that of your effusive Aunt Betty to that of John, your Uber driver. Uh oh. Time to find out: Do they want a relationship or not? Just matching the maturity level of my response to that of your excuse.

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Tonight's Riverdale episode started in the greatest way possible: Veronica and Archie having sex. This is how they're coping with the masked lunatic wreaking havoc around town, apparently, and I'm cool with it. Archie says, "I love you" to Veronica, which freaks her out because that's what always happens on TV shows. Someone always freaks out when they hear that phrase, but in real life people have way more chill. Meanwhile, the Riverdale Reaper, whom we learned about last week, is legitimate. Still, Jughead doesn't think he's the Black Hood because he's 60 years old.