If you've dated recently, it probably went something like this: You swiped on a stranger's cute-if-pixelated face, asked them something original like, "How's your week? When you didn't get murdered, you went on more romantic dates and humped like bunnies, until suddenly your date's texting tone changed from that of your effusive Aunt Betty to that of John, your Uber driver. Uh oh. Time to find out: Do they want a relationship or not? Just matching the maturity level of my response to that of your excuse.